BBC advises no face-to-face sex during the pandemic

"Sex and coronavirus: How to have it safely," the BBC titled its Aug. 11 headline with a Getty Images cover illustration of a half-naked couple in bed with masks on.

Apparently, the "new normal" also applies to sex, the BBC sourced a press release from the sexual health charity Terrence Higgins Trust.

"[W]e all need to find ways to balance our need for sex and intimacy with the risks of the spread of COVID-19," the Trust's medical director Michael Brady wrote, flinging closed doors wide open during lockdown.

The charity published advice instructing intimate couples to avoid kissing, wear a face covering, and choose positions that aren't face-to-face during sex—how romantic.

For starters, the best sexual partner during the pandemic is yourself, the Trust states. For some lonely souls, that's already year-round. But for others, this "much-needed guidance" is an intrusion into our private lives.

If you must engage with a sexual partner, "phone and online sex" are the recommended options with someone ideally in your household.

Just like any helicopter parent, the Trust admitted that it's unrealistic to expect people to stop having sex indefinitely.

If your non-monogamous self has taken to Tinder, you should limit the number of sexual partners, the Trust moved on to typical Sexually Transmitted Disease precuations, except applied to the coronavirus.

The article then asked the age-old question: "Does the virus spread through sex?"

The coronavirus can spread through saliva, mucus, or the breath of those infected, along with contact with hard surfaces—no pun intended.

"If you are going to touch each other's genitals it's likely that you will potentially be kissing at the same time—and we know the virus is passed through saliva," television doctor Alex George told BBC Radio 1 Newsbeat in March.

The A&E Network "expert" and former "Love Island" contestant says that "any possibility of transfer of coronavirus—from your mouth to your hands, to genitals, to someone else's nose or mouth" increases the risk of transmission.

The Trust states that the coronavirus has been found in semen and feces, then advising the use of condoms and dams for oral sex and—oh the cringe—"rimming" to minimize the probability of contraction, nevermind commonly-echoed safe sex already practiced by the horny and healthy.

You should also wash your hands after doing the dirty for more than 20 seconds—that is hand sanitizing, not the latter.

"All of this is not to say you should forget about your sexual health in general," the charity acknowledged, noting that quarantine is "the perfect time to be sure you don't have an STI and to know what your HIV status is."

Nevertheless, "abstaining from sex is the best way to protect yourself from coronavirus," the charity concluded, imploring people to not have sex at all amid the pandemic, just one of the many personal sacrifices asked of us in the name of safety.